hmmm.
I should be feeling more nervous than I do right now. Maybe this illusion that I’m not freaked out is one manifestation of how nervous I actually am. Don’t know. I definitely feel like I am going into this interview situation with a far different mindset than my last one. I was pumped for that - and did whatever I could to be as prepared as I could be. There was a positive, healthy sense of tension that was keeping me alert, leading up to the visit. This one… it’s not that I’m not excited. It’s also a great school and a wonderful opportunity for me. Maybe this is what the taste of defeat does to you. I think I’m trying not to get too excited, to get my hopes up too high. What if I like this place as much as I fell in love with the previous place? But forcing myself to be more blasé about it makes me feel less prepared.
This whole job search thing really taxes my self-esteem. Not in the simple “oooooh, they don’t want me” way, but it really humbles me to see what I have not accomplished yet, what I have not yet learned how to do. I’m taking my sweet time to put this lecture together and realizing that it’s an art form that must take a hell of a lot of practice. I’m not even talking about the execution, just the preparation. Hats off to all the teachers and professors out there - it takes a lot of thought to put something together that is interesting, understandable… something that hopefully people will walk away from thinking that they learned something. It is TOUGH. I have a long way to go before this process becomes natural.
Returning to job-search angst, it makes me weary imagining what schools expect from their candidates. I mean, how can I get teaching experience unless someone gives me the chance? Is promise and desire good enough? I so want to become a good teacher - but I know that it’s going to take some practice, a lot of trial and error, for me to get there. Do schools have the patience to allow me to develop that way?
Oh well - I guess I’ll wrap up the lecture tomorrow because it’s getting too late tonight. It’s taking shape in the way I want it to, but it can’t get there soon enough. Sleep will serve me better than staying up late stressing out about this.
