the little things

lunch

Originally uploaded by sa_ku_ra.

…matzo ball soup! I made it from scratch, soup stock and all. It was the best chicken soup I’ve ever made and I’ve been eating it for three days.

I spent a few hours in the morning finishing off taking care of the lawn before it started pouring. It’s been dark and damp all day - I’ve been sleepier than usual, even though I didn’t nap. Maybe I’m coming down from the high of a few days ago.

In an attempt to make order out of chaos in my room (paper piles, mostly) I was sorting through a bunch of bills, correspondence and such. I have an on-going file of letters received from schools I applied to. It’s amazing how thick the “rejection letter” file can get. (I was griping to one of my friends about the fact that one school didn’t even bother signing the letter - just a rubber-stamped fake “signature”. Total class.) So in a way, it’s quite amazing and fortunate that I landed the job that I did. I wasn’t their first-choice, I know that much. But now we have chosen each other for the year, hopefully we’ll all come out happy with the decision. I’m certainly looking forward to working hard.

I’m starting to look into housing. My home environment is so important to me, for my sanity and productivity. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy - but it has to be comfortable and feel like it is MY space. I don’t think I’ve been in an optimal living environment for quite a number of years (since before I went to Japan for my research trip? That was in 1999)… so I’m going to take some time looking for a place that agrees with me. I will have office space on campus, so size isn’t a huge issue - but all the same, I’m really looking forward to having my very own place again. It’ll be so exciting to go back to my kitchen stuff that has been packed away for the last 2 years. My living space is an extension of my identity - my friends have always noted my “burrowing” tendencies - and when its muscles can’t be flexed fully, I don’t feel 100%. My obsessive gardening over the last little while might be a manifestation of my need to create my own space while living with limits.

open practice 3

Originally uploaded by sa_ku_ra.

Game One of the series between the St. John’s Maples Leafs (my team) and the Manitoba Moose. There’s nothing like playoff hockey - I can’t wait!

I’m also playing phone tag and sitting here waiting for a call. So I may have some bigger news to report later on. I’ll keep y’all posted.

EDIT: now it’s an even better day! I’ll be moving to Ohio.

I seem to be still getting over last week’s stress. Combined with a lot of chores I did around the house today makes for one tired me. Not vacuuming for two weeks makes for a challenging assignment; I spent a good hour and a half working on two rugs since our dog loves to sit and sleep on it. And she sheds. A lot.

It’s going to be another week of waiting. I hope it won’t take long - waiting and worrying is a big waste of my time. I sit here and wonder “maybe they thought I was a big idiot” even though there wasn’t much else I could do, given where I am at this point in time. It’s about a completely different context (I’m sure) but today I kept on singing my favourite refrain from this Wilco song I really like:

“It’s okay for you to say what you want from me
cause I believe that’s the only way for me to be
exactly what you want me to be”

While I wait for the possible bad news regarding the Ohio job, now there’s a different prospect at a school in Michigan. A radically different thing - it’s at a big state school and one thing I’ll be teaching both semesters is a humongous intro survey with a class size of one hundred plus (possibly two hundred!). It’ll be a different kind of experience, for sure… but something that will probably be really good for me, if a little out of my element. I can lecture in front of a hundred students, sure I can… right? Anyway, this interview (over the phone) is on the docket for later on this week. The paranoid thought regarding the first job are creeping up on me, but at the moment, I’m much too tired and loopy for it to really get me down.

There’s a thunderstorm in the forecast tomorrow… it’s been really pleasant but dry the last ten days or so. I’m hoping for some rain for the garden. My sprouts have been enjoying afternoons under the sun out front the last few days. Perhaps in a few weeks, they’ll find a permanent home somewhere outside.

Oh, I made someone’s day today. It felt really good.

bleeding heart shoots

Originally uploaded by sa_ku_ra.

Today was yard work day. Hauled a lot of bags of soil and compost, turned the soil in the vegetable patch, and planted some blueberry plants. I also took some photos of the new shoots emerging from the ground now that it’s been continuously sunny and warm for the past week or so. The bleeding hearts (before the leaves change colour to bright green) look all Dr. Seuss-ian at the moment, still crinkly and straightening itself out. But the colours are very luscious. Oh happy spring.

spring

Originally uploaded by sa_ku_ra.

I like black and white photographs, but here’s something a little more appropriate for spring.

Just returned from my interview last night - today was just an organization day, unpacking, doing laundry, cleaning the house. I also had to go pick up my mom’s dog from the kennel where she was staying for a few nights while I was away… man, was she ever traumatized. I felt really guilty. It took her most of the day to feel that things were back to her normal routine. I think that sense of normalcy and safety is really important to her. She finally started looking like her happy self when we took a walk around the pond this afternoon.

The visit itself: it went as well as it could, considering I slugged through the first day with about 4 hours of sleep. The schedule on paper was daunting, but everyone I met with was exceptionally nice, and despite the fatigue, I really enjoyed it. I struggled with my speech (basic muscle movements, my tongue not functioning at 100%) but the message *I hope* got through.

I really liked this school. Thus far, I’ve been lucky with the schools who seem impressed enough with me to extend an invitation to their campuses - I haven’t yet encountered a school I would say no to. Much more than that, I keep finding myself in places I wish so very hard to end up at, making the process of waiting for their decision that much harder.

It’s a small town, but a very comfortable, livable place. The faculty and the students were amazing. I have visions of living in a cozy apartment, walking to my office everyday. I could definitely do this for a year (or more). It’s going to be hard work preparing to teach five classes, but I’m looking forward to the challenge. I had a gut feeling that I fit that environment well - all I can hope for is that they feel that it’s worth the risk to try me out for the year. Fingers crossed!

I should be feeling more nervous than I do right now. Maybe this illusion that I’m not freaked out is one manifestation of how nervous I actually am. Don’t know. I definitely feel like I am going into this interview situation with a far different mindset than my last one. I was pumped for that - and did whatever I could to be as prepared as I could be. There was a positive, healthy sense of tension that was keeping me alert, leading up to the visit. This one… it’s not that I’m not excited. It’s also a great school and a wonderful opportunity for me. Maybe this is what the taste of defeat does to you. I think I’m trying not to get too excited, to get my hopes up too high. What if I like this place as much as I fell in love with the previous place? But forcing myself to be more blasé about it makes me feel less prepared.

This whole job search thing really taxes my self-esteem. Not in the simple “oooooh, they don’t want me” way, but it really humbles me to see what I have not accomplished yet, what I have not yet learned how to do. I’m taking my sweet time to put this lecture together and realizing that it’s an art form that must take a hell of a lot of practice. I’m not even talking about the execution, just the preparation. Hats off to all the teachers and professors out there - it takes a lot of thought to put something together that is interesting, understandable… something that hopefully people will walk away from thinking that they learned something. It is TOUGH. I have a long way to go before this process becomes natural.

Returning to job-search angst, it makes me weary imagining what schools expect from their candidates. I mean, how can I get teaching experience unless someone gives me the chance? Is promise and desire good enough? I so want to become a good teacher - but I know that it’s going to take some practice, a lot of trial and error, for me to get there. Do schools have the patience to allow me to develop that way?

Oh well - I guess I’ll wrap up the lecture tomorrow because it’s getting too late tonight. It’s taking shape in the way I want it to, but it can’t get there soon enough. Sleep will serve me better than staying up late stressing out about this.

Blog migration complete. Yes, I have other things to worry about at the moment, but what the hell.

I did spend the day - the past few days - dragging my feet with this lecture I have to give on Wednesday… and it’s slowly taking shape. I have this bad habit of getting too detail oriented and I’m thinking that the time-constraint (length of lecture, as well as the time I have left to actually write it) is going to force me to explain myself in generalities… and I think that is only a good thing at this point. I still think (hope) that it’s going to turn out to become something interesting. Got to wrap it up tomorrow so that I have time to practice it.

me

Originally uploaded by sa_ku_ra.

(originally posted 4/9/05)

Late night last night - should have been writing my lecture but I had to play with my camera. I’m not the most photogenic person (since I was … ten or so? before then, I was super-photogenic. Thanks to my dad I have loads of great childhood photos) so it should be interesting if I can take pics of myself that seem more… myself. I was actually shocked that I looked so worn out and tired. Age and grad school, I guess. But yeah, this seems more like me right now.

I have got to put away my camera until I’m done with my very important interview next week!

(originally posted 4/6/05)

I guess this is why the Neil Young song has been stuck in my head all day… I’m going to Ohio next week for a job interview. I’ve struck out so far with my academic search this year - though I interviewed with a few schools - but this possibility popped up over the past couple of days after not hearing anything from anyone for many weeks. I have a campus visit under my belt at a very similar institution, so I’m not as nervous as I was a few months ago. Since I was getting to the point of not expecting to be teaching come fall, this is like a bonus to me. I’m pretty excited to go and hope it all goes well.

I have to prepare a lecture, so I’m brainstorming about possible topics: I think I have something fun I can run with. The only drawback is the fact that I have to leave the house at 5AM the day of my visit to fly to Cleveland… and I have to be on performance mode not only for the lecture (scheduled for later in the afternoon) but basically all day through the usual barrage of meetings and interviews. That’s going to be a LONG day.

Felt exhausted the last couple of days, perhaps due to the adjustment with daylight savings. Think I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.